Friday, March 05, 2004

They say every bus has a weirdo on it. So look around. If you don't see one,
you're the weirdo.

Today it was very easy to spot the weirdo. He was the short Spanish guy
standing on the bike racks on the front grill with his hands and face pressed
against the front windshield.

He was on the bus when I got on. He made comments to each new passenger as
they collected their receipt. I was given the advice that my tie made me look
gay. I would have been offended but he was right. It could have been worse.

I sit across the bus in the same from our friend the bus commentator. When I
sat down, our friend spotted the man who was behind me.

"Aye. Look at the head on heem. hello beeg head. hello! Woo!" Big head
looked puzzled for a moment then switched to commuter-ignore. Our friend then
motioned toward me. "Did you see hees beeg head?1"

I nodded and agreed, "Frighteningly large."

"Damn Beeg". he affirmed. The other passengers were commented on in a similar
fashion. Someone was wearing, in his estimation, peeamas. I still have that word
stuck in my head. I think pyjamas should be pronounced peeamas. Just like I
think we should use the French word for sidewalks, trottoir (trottwa). Doesn't
that just sound nice. It is just a shame they wasted such a nice word on such a
boring thing. Trottoir should be the verb for the way drunks walk or small
toddlers fresh of the merry-go-round. Le enfant trattoit comme le soulard.

During the journey, the bus driver was told to 'open her up' and 'put a
little foot into it'. Clearly, we were not going fast enough for our small
friend. He occasionally pretended to drive the bus which included steering an
imaginary steering wheel, making engine noises, slapping his foot hard against
the ground and swerving at pedestrians followed swearing at them in Spanish. The
driver seems unusually untroubled by this strange human. Actually, most people
looked on in amusement. No one took offence to any of his comments. They were
ignored or received with a confused smile. A block before his stop he
dramatically pushed the button and stood up. The whole time making excited
noises like a monkey. Squeaks and hoots. The bus driver slowed and our friend
rushed towards the front and flung himself against the machine you drop your
coins in as if the force of the braking had flung him. He hopped up and down,
shouting, "I'll sue, I'll sue!" through the worlds largest grin. Without missing
a beat, the driver opened the door, and our friend immediately jumped out. The
driver closed the door, but before the bus started again or friend jumped on the
bike racks on the front grill with his hands and face pressed against the front
windshield.  "I'll sue, I'll sue!" Another instant, he was off, and the bus
was in motion. In comparison the rest of the day was rather dull, but I'm sure
everyone had something to talk about at their tea break.

1My attempt at transliterating a thick spanish accent. Sorry.

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